FEBRUARY.25.08. They say that the oscars are tailored for women and gay men so why was I tuned in? I’ve watched movies all my life, why stop now. Didn’t feel compelled to see any of the nominees this year, American actors need to pick up the slack, the only one I did see was that disney princess picture with the parents. Jon stewart did a good job, he’s a man respected in liberal Los Angeles- him, Clooney, Denzel, Russell Crowe, leaders of today’s showbiz fraternity. In the old days it was Gable, Wayne, Bogart, Sinatra. Today cinema’s appeal to me is surrogate fatherhood. How to act like a man- you watch these toughguys like Garfield, Newman, Hackman, Bronson- emulate them and it helps you cope with the ugliness of everyday life.

FEBRUARY 07.08. The quickest way to make enemies around here is to tell someone who you voted for. Tuesday near the water cooler: “No! you can’t vote for Hillary, she’s a f#cking liar- I always thought you were a conservative! ”, “Obama’s going to take it all, the only ones voting for Hillary are the feminazis and the illegal aliens.” “Asians vote for Hillary because they hate blacks.” So I didn’t go with Obama, like all the other cool kids in Hollywood and Silverlake. I don’t like Hillary either but she’s better on the issues than Obama- primarily the war and taxes. Giuliani’s out and Romney threw in the towel this afternoon thus it looks like I’m behind McCain now. I just can’t support the Democrats this year. They’re against the war on islamofascists, that alone means I can’t vote for them. #2- I work hard for my money and don’t fix on giving it to some bureaucrat. #3- Civilians ought to have guns, because the police ain't going to be there all the time to save your ass.

If you live in Los Angeles or San Francisco you’re a de facto Democrat, that’s just the way it is- you can’t survive otherwise. Anaheim or San Diego? you might have a chance as a Republican. I’m stuck in LA SF so that means I’m a Democrat for now. That don’t mean I can’t vote for the right Commander in Chief.

1.29.08. Threw my arm arm out playing Wii- the baseball game, how idiotic is that? McCain just took Florida and my guy Giuliani is out, that leaves Romney as the choice for the fight against terror and border security. He's a business man and looks like a president, has a full head of hair. Hillary and Obama will be at the Highland Center in two days, that should be interesting- suppose i could try to see them step out of their limousines. But sitting at a fancy restaurant on Beverly, I come to the cold hard fact that i dont belong in California. What am i doing here? Prolly be more at home in Fort Worth or Nashville, two cities I've only read about in magazines. Family is the only thing keeping me this side of the Rocky Mountains.

1.21.08. Stopped by the ammo shop near portos on the dentist search, looked at the 357s, the guy said, "you dont want that you'll be too busy icing your hand to fire it." he pointed me to the model 60 instead, said they handle 38s too. Some impressive remington side by sides on the wall. Tried to listen to npr and air america, real negative bash america first drivel, couldn't take it. Loud black guy at Guapo's yesterday during the new york- green bay game, wouldn't put a cork in it; the Cabo San Lucas spring break crowd all jawing in your ear.

JANUARY 06.08. So far the new year has allowed me to enjoy simple everyday routine duties, waiting in line at the post office, borrowing a book at the library, stitching an old shirt with a hole in the armpit. Went to joan's on third yesterday for some of their mac and cheese, and beverly center today just to see the new glass wall by the escalator. the glass makes all the difference, more light. Trader joes for lunch tomorrow, gyro wrap with lamb and sauce. Bruce was watching the democrats in new hampshire tonight, i watched for the hell of it, but leaning towards Giuliani- Brian's been canvassing for Huckabee. And the rain off and on, not bad- it's on now, but been dry most of the weekend.

1.01.08. It came as a pleasant surprise when we discovered that Pa would be singing in the church choir Christmas Eve. Pa, who never had as much as a kind word for the bible or the cross, has turned a 180, and is well on the winding path to accepting the Lord in his life. Suppose he was tired of being the only one at home when the rest of us were at church. Both he and I still find the sermons exhaustingly dull but we continue to carry on for the fellowship and the touch of the town. A man grows even wearier of sealing himself off from his neighbor.

This year like the past roughly three decades I waited to the last minute to pick up some gifts for the tree. The thought of trying to wangle for a parking spot at Valley Faire, after 5 hours on the road Saturday morning, convinced me to go to the vallco mall. Vallco is the abandoned ghost mall with the Chinese restaurant but it has a jc penney and a sears. So it was Sears where I handled all the 2007 presents- winter caps, all conveniently discounted, got one for myself too- that’s the problem with Christmas shopping, you end up spending just as much on yourself as you do your near and dear. Brian got me a guitar tuner and an ipod car adapter, very handy on the 8 hour ride down to Sunset Boulevard. Ma got me a beatles tshirt and a box of biscotti. And we’re back to work tomorrow and I look forward, the direction I always look when I wake up to a new year.

12.04.07. Today, things don’t bother me like they used to, I think it’s because you get to a point where you’ve seen everything under the sun and done everything to be done- you’re ready for the Lord to take you home when he sees fit. So it seems all these roads, you’ve been down before and nothing will stop you from that long and curious march to the grave. You have dignity and pride, but in the end it all amounts to a hill of beans, yet you still cling to that pride for dear life like nothing else really matters.... I’m about unhandy as they come in the home improvement department but I still love the idea of home depot. I put a new lock on my door and screwed down a Bemis toilet seat. Bookshelves, a desk. Basic things that don’t require fancy saws or cement mix. Easy things that need to be done- curtains, hooks for the wall. Screwing things is easy. Drive into the Hollywood Home Depot and a truckload of campaneros flag me down. Clear the way Senor. Why have I been bogged down all day long? Maybe it’s a bug of the stomach variety.

NOVMBER.26.07. Didn’t think I would make it to san jose on time to get the pies so stopped by the whole foods on wilshire and picked up a dutch apple and a pumpkin and a bottle of red. Driving up Thursday morning was loads better than Wednesday night after a long day of ditch digging. Yes there was traffic but at least it wasn’t dark and nobody complained about Hank Jr. on the radio. We got back before sunset and had some boba on stevens creek. Place was crowded with fobs so-called, no English could be detected. It’s the same everywhere. We took some family pictures and played with the dog. Ate some, I sat at the grown-ups table this year next to Uncle Nelson visiting from Delaware. Mai’s a lawyer and Karen has a brand new kitchen. My how the years go by, 700 miles of concrete and 14 hours of waiting don’t bother me when I see the look on mother’s face thanksgiving night. it’s all worth it.

11.05.07. Ever since getting back to work, I have severely neglected my magnum opus, “a cop’s story.” What is there left to say? a kid gets whacked. A girl is robbed. An old man is found strangled with a dildo. The rookie cop gets promoted and beats a confession out of a greasy pusher. Sick of the scenarios and melodrama but too sick of autobiography to just write about me, that’s why I hate writing because it’s like chasing after your tail. Anticipation, waiting, this for someone who can’t stand waiting, who sees every minute more valuable than the next.

Oct.28.07. Our old prep school is having one of those reunions next weekend and Anthony said he wouldn’t be caught dead at the designated restaurant in San Francisco with people he never liked to begin with. I hear this complaint a lot. Around me, nobody wants to revisit the past anymore- there is no loyalty to your roots and the town that made you who you are today. I’m not going to the reunion this year for personal reasons, scheduling conflicts, but even if I could go, would I want to? You’re going to have your silicon valley success stories, dot com millionaires, once breathtaking cheerleaders and volleyball players who are now stay at home mommies, junior congressmen. And then plain folks like me, who haven’t made it. I haven’t done anything to be proud of and to say if they could only see me now. Going back would just be another way my detractors could look down their noses at me. I think of that one Andy Griffith episode, his 20 year reunion, and he bumps into his old flame- they were very much in love. But when she turned 18 she couldn’t take Mayberry no longer and left for the hustle and bustle and sex in the city. Andy, on other hand, couldn’t imagine a life away from where he grew up. The old city mouse, country mouse story. When you’re young you just want to get away and when you’re old you want to go back. You spend your life replacing all the things you left behind.